Truck Drivin’ Hero Read online

  He heard the Mustang's engine running before he saw it, but he also heard voices. “Keep your hands up,” a soft voice rang out. Hero’s heart sank. Zorflox had gotten the jump on the girls.

  “Alright, sir, we’re coming out,” he heard Sunshine say. There was a bit of a sound of metal scraping metal, and Hero heard the telltale sound of a plasma pistol shot. Despite wanting to be stealthy a moment ago, Hero started to run. He reached the edge of a small clearing that Speedy had driven into. “Ow! Son of a bitch!” he heard Sunshine say.

  “Stay down on the ground and do not try anything else,” Zorflox said. Hero looked at where he was pointing the gun and saw Sunshine there, the smoking remains of an AR-15 next to her. She had apparently been too slow on the draw, though it looked like Zorflox hadn’t injured her too badly. “Now, you are going to tell me what you are doing and what cargo that truck is hauling.”

  Hero took stock of the situation. The car was still running, and in fact, it looked like Speedy had already turned it around from wherever it had crashed. There was some damage to the front of the car on the driver side, and the airbags had deployed, but it still looked driveable. He decided he still had a bit of time, so he continued sneaking around to get behind Zorflox.

  “A car,” Speedy said. She sounded scared. “We’re just hauling a car.”

  “You are lying to me,” Zorflox said. He shot the plasma pistol in the air and then leveled it back at Speedy.

  Hero took that as a sign that he didn’t have a lot of time left. He stepped out into the clearing, mostly behind Zorflox and with his shotgun pointed right at him. “You’re right, Sheriff Zorflox. She is lying. Put the gun down.”

  Sheriff Zorflox froze. “Mr. Reynolds?”

  “That’s right, Sheriff. Put the gun down, now,” he repeated.

  The sheriff seemed to think about it for a moment, then slowly lowered the gun. “I must admit, it is a surprise to see you all the way out here. However, I did suspect that you were pretending to be the Australian man yesterday.”

  “Keep lowering that gun, alien,” Hero said. As soon as he had the gun on the ground, Hero relaxed a little bit. “Sunshine, are you okay?”

  “Yeah. This Grey actually shot the gun out of my hand, if you can believe it,” Sunshine said. She got to her feet, still wringing her hands but otherwise looking completely fine.

  “That right, Sheriff? Did you mean to shoot the gun, or was it a happy accident?” Hero asked.

  “She is correct. I have been studying your Western movies and practicing my marksmanship,” Zorflox said.

  “Huh? And why is that?” Hero asked.

  “I learned those things because I wished to visit Texas, and I wanted to be able to fit in as a cowboy,” the Grey said.

  Hero shook his head. He knew it was the truth, that this alien was pathetic enough to believe that you still needed to fire a six-shooter and ride a horse to fit in, like in the Wild Wild West. This alien believed all that was true, and that he could eventually fit in there, if he just wore a cowboy hat and surgically attached a mustache.

  “Turn toward me,” Hero said. The alien did it. His hands and face were still covered in the sunscreen, maybe even more than he had on yesterday. The shade of the trees was providing him complete protection from the sun right now, which was probably why he didn’t look particularly disoriented. He looked confident, defiant almost, but Hero knew that he couldn’t actually read Grey body language. “Speedy, get his gun. Don’t make any moves, Sheriff, or else I’ll drop you.”

  “I will not move,” he said. Speedy made her way to the alien and grabbed his gun, then backed away, all the way to the car. She pointed the plasma pistol at him, but it was designed for an alien hand, so it was awkward to hold.

  “One of you shoot him,” Sunshine said.

  “Wait a minute,” Hero barked. “How many other Greys know about us?”

  “I informed Headquarters of your crimes last night, while communications were still up. However, I have not been able to get in touch with them today. There is some kind of solar phenomenon disrupting many aspects of our technology.”

  Hero nodded. “We wondered why the roads were clear for us.” Speedy looked at him with a quizzical look, but Hero didn’t bother responding. “How many aliens did they send you for backup?”

  “None. I was ordered to return to the New York area. I… refused that order.”

  “Uh huh. So, you’re out here all on your own, with no backup, against Grey orders, and they have no idea where you are. Why is that?” Hero asked.

  The alien looked down. “I had to figure out what was so important that you would risk your lives to haul it. I had what you humans would call a hunch that it was something so important that it might jeopardize our entire occupation here.”

  Hero opened his mouth to speak, but a voice came from behind him. “That’s enough outta you! Put your hands up!”

  Speedy gasped. Sunshine said, “Oh my god, it has a gun.”

  Hero didn’t move. He just kept the gun leveled right at Zorflox. “Well, Sheriff. If you’ve been watching Western movies, you know what the term ‘Mexican standoff’ means, don’t you?”

  “I do, but I believe you are mistaken. The female does not have a shot on JR, while JR can currently shoot her. Therefore, the advantage is ours.”

  “Is that right, Speedy?” Hero asked.

  “He’s behind a tree. I can see his gun but I can’t see the rest.”

  Hero swore to himself. “If JR shoots at either of us, I want you to drop behind the car and shoot the Sheriff here first.”

  “I’m gonna shoot you both!” the robot exclaimed, still sounding a little bit dumb. A series of clicks and whirs came from the robot, which sounded to Hero like systems malfunctioning.

  “Sheriff, if JR shoots me, I’m going to shoot you before I die. And then Speedy’s going to shoot you before she dies. You have very little chance of surviving this, do you understand me?”

  “I understand that.”

  “On the other hand, if you order JR to put the gun down, I won’t shoot you here. None of us will. You’ll be free to go back to your checkpoint and, maybe one day, you’ll see Texas.” Zorflox stood there, saying nothing. “Come on, cowboy. Who’s running the ranch here? You, or your hired hand?”

  This seemed to convince Zorflox. He chirped at JR for a moment.

  The robot said, “ERROR: Unauthorized access detected.”

  Zorflox switched to English. “JR, shut down, authorization code Sierra Zulu Zero Four Five One.”

  “ERROR: Unauthorized access detected. You’re clearly some kind of human, with that mustache and those clothes. I’ll be reporting you for unauthorized impersonation of an occupation employee and have you sent to a re-education camp.” He switched his aim to Speedy. “Right after I neutralize these two armed threats.”

  Hero fell to the ground and turned, scanning the area for the robot as soon as he hit the ground. He braced himself and fired at the first thing he that looked out-of-place. The robot fell forward, smoke coming from where his manipulator arm used to be.

  “Wow, what a shot!” Sunshine cried out.

  “That wasn’t me. I shot the aspen tree ten feet to its right,” Hero said. “Speedy?”

  “I didn’t even have time to react,” Speedy said.

  Hero got to his feet. The robot had fallen forward, toward them. That meant the shot had come from behind him. He had a pretty good idea of who took the shot, but he needed to make sure. “Come on out, Apple.”

  Apple stepped into the clearing, stepping over JR while still aiming her plasma pistol at the robot. With her pale skin, she looked like an angel descending from heaven to save them to Hero.

  “ERROR. Servos not engaging. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” the robot said over the sound of gears moving but no actual movement happening.

  Hero went over to Apple and gave her a hug. He looked down at the robot. “That was a hell of a shot. Did you mean to shoot off his arm, too
?”

  “I’ve never shot this before in my life. I wasn’t aiming for anything in particular, just aiming to hit him,” Apple said.

  “I’m glad you showed up when you did. Thank you,” Hero said.

  Sheriff Zorflox hadn’t moved. Hero pointed the shotgun at the robot. “Does this robot have any kind of, you know, automatic distress beacon or anything?”

  “JR is equipped with a distress beacon, yes. However, like all the rest of our communications, it is nonfunctional. Additionally, when I disobeyed orders, I removed his location chip, rendering his beacon useless.”

  “ERROR. Cannot establish connection with game server. Cannot phone home!” the robot cried out.

  Hero pulled the trigger on his shotgun. The shell punched a bunch of tiny holes in the robot’s body, and smoke came from all of them. He couldn’t be sure that he destroyed it, but it definitely shut him up. He pointed the shotgun back at Zorflox who immediately put his hands up. His shirt came untucked from his pants, giving him an even more disheveled look than he had before.

  “Get in the car, ladies, and put the top down,” Hero said. Sunshine and Speedy opened their doors and Speedy started to put the top down. “Apple, get in the car with them. Save me a seat on the passenger side.”

  Apple quickly ran to the car. Speedy leaned out of the driver’s side as Apple passed. “I’m so happy I could kiss you!” she exclaimed.

  Apple seemed to take that as an invitation, and she leaned down into the driver’s side and pressed her lips to Speedy. Speedy seemed taken off guard at first, but in a moment, she had her hand around the back of Apple’s neck, returning the kiss as fiercely as she could.

  Hero didn’t have time to get jealous or to get turned on by that. He walked to Zorflox, sawed-off shotgun pointed at him the entire time. “I can’t have you following us anymore. I can’t have you standing in the way of my family.”

  “Your… family? Are you… brothers and sisters?” Zorflox asked.

  Hero shook his head. “You wanted to know the nature of our mission. I can do that much for you. We’re heading south, to Mexico and then into Belize. After the invasion, their government fell. We’re all getting married, we’re going to buy ourselves a little fiefdom, and we’re going to spend the rest of our lives happy down there.”

  “We’re getting married, woo!” Apple cried from the Mustang. All three girls whooped.

  Zorflox nodded. “So, this is all about your need to form a coupling. Or, I guess a quadrupling. And the laws of this country are too restrictive for you to do so.”

  Hero snorted. “Land of the free, my ass. Not like it was back in the Wild West, am I right?”

  “Yes, Mr. Reynolds, you are right. What is in the truck?”

  Hero was already prepared for this. “Well, I wasn’t entirely lying. There is a car back there, another gas guzzler. No electric grid down there. Why do you think I’m driving that ancient, rusted-out big rig?” He said a silent ‘sorry’ to Alexandria.

  “And the rest? JR said there was additional mass in your trailer.”

  “Drugs, just like your bosses probably figured. We have a buyer down in Texas, and he’s going to make all four of us rich enough that we never have to work again.” He laughed, then stopped for dramatic effect. “Also, I know I told you to go to Naaman’s BBQ, but I’m glad you won’t be showing up in Texarkana tomorrow.”

  “I won’t,” Zorflox said.

  “No, I know you won’t. Speedy, pull up to the road and open the passenger door.”

  Speedy hit the gas, bringing the car back up the gentle embankment and onto the road about twenty feet behind him. “I can’t have you jeopardizing my family, Sheriff. I love them too much.”

  Zorflox turned his head a little bit, as if he didn’t understand. Then, as realization dawned over him, he made eye contact with Hero. “Mr. Reynolds, your family is safe. I respect your reproductive choices and I am sure you have chosen three fine mates. Additionally, if the people of Texarkana wish to consume barbecue and poison, I do not care. I have no desire to chase you anymore.”

  “I’m afraid that’s not good enough,” Hero said. He began to back toward the Mustang, never taking his eyes off the alien.

  “I… see.”

  “I’m real sorry about this, pardner,” Hero said. He aimed the gun at the center of Sheriff Zorflox’s chest and pulled the trigger.

  19

  It was only about a sixty second drive up to Hero’s semi, but it seemed like forever. Nobody said a word the entire trip. When they got there, Hero hopped out of the car. “You can put the top back up, Speedy,” Hero said.

  Sunshine and Apple both got out of the car. Sunshine came up and kissed him, hard. “I’m glad you did it,” she said.

  Hero enjoyed the kiss while he could, then laughed. “Then I don’t know if you’re going to be mad or glad about the next part.”

  “What part?” Sunshine asked.

  Hero ran his hand through his hair, not quite sure how to answer her, but he didn’t get a chance. “He was wearing a vest,” Apple said.

  “What?”

  “Did you notice his clothes? How poorly fitting they were?” Apple asked.

  “Well, it’s kind of hard not to notice that he’s an alien wearing human clothes,” Sunshine said.

  “Well, today, the buttons on his shirt were barely holding together. It wasn’t like that yesterday when he tried to arrest me. It looked like he had gained a ton of weight,” Apple said.

  Hero shook his head. “You are way more clever than you look.”

  Apple smiled. “You noticed it, too, of course.”

  “I did notice that his clothes weren't fitting right, but I didn’t figure out that he was wearing the vest. It wasn’t until he raised his hands in surrender that I saw it. When I got closer, I could even see Wharton Police Department emblazoned across it, same as on his police car.” He gestured to the flipped-over police cruiser in the middle of the road back there.

  “But why?” Speedy asked. “I mean, I’m actually glad you didn’t kill him in cold blood, but why not kill him?”

  “Because Hero fed the Grey a ton of false information, and he seemed to believe it,” Apple said.

  “You mean we’re not getting married?” Speedy said, a fake pout on her face.

  Sunshine ignored her. “What about the robot?”

  Hero laughed. “Oh no, he’s dead. At least I hope so. I shot him where I figured it’d do the most damage.”

  Sunshine nodded, satisfied with that at least. “So you don’t think he’ll chase us?”

  Hero shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter if he does or not. A dead alien would have brought down more heat than we could have handled. I will tell you that I believe him when he says he disobeyed orders to keep pursuing us. No alien would ever be ordered to pursue us this far from the coast. Not without a flying saucer, anyway.”

  “And that means he won’t be calling for backup. He’ll quietly slink back to the East Coast, take his reprimand, and forget all about us. It’s the only way he can hope to stave off any more embarrassment,” Apple said.

  Hero nodded. “Face it, as a bunch of bigamists, we’re just not as interesting as a group of smugglers. The mystery is over. Apple kissing Speedy helped sell the story for sure.”

  Apple laughed. “I’m so glad you approve, Mr. Reynolds. I was nervous you’d be jealous for a minute.”

  “Me? Jealous?” He mocked surprise, then let it fade quickly. “Get back in the truck. We’ve got a mission to complete.”

  Apple grinned and went back around to the passenger side. Hero looked over the Mustang. “How’s the muscle, Speedy? Can she still drive?”

  “Just a fender bender. Body damage where we hit the cop car, and I suspect we’ll have to change the tires soon. I’ll give them all a kick here in a minute to make sure they're still driveable. I’ll also have to cut the airbags out, but I managed to stop the car before we hit anything in that clearing.”

  “Good. Let me
know if you need any help. I’m going to radio our status into base.”

  “10-4, good buddy,” Speedy said.

  The use of the radio lingo made Hero smile. “Yeah. Good buddies. Listen, I don’t have time to dwell on this, but I am so glad that you’re safe. For a moment, I thought the worst, and… well…”

  “We know, Hero. Thanks for coming back and rescuing us,” Sunshine said.

  “I couldn’t do this job, or any other job, without you two. I made such huge mistakes with each of you, and I never intend to make those kinds of mistakes again,” he said.

  He could see Sunshine begin to tear up, and she came in for a hug. Hero hugged her as tightly as he could. “Awww,” Speedy said, then ran around the car and joined in on the hug. Hero wrapped his arm around her as well, bringing them both in tighter.

  “You’re the best party a guy could ask for,” he said. He heard Sunshine laugh through some tears, while Speedy just stayed silent. He wished they could stay like this for a while, but there were time constraints. He had no idea how long Zorflox would be down for, and at any moment a car could come down the road, ruining their chance at a clean getaway. He broke from the hug. “Now get to work.”

  He didn’t look back again before getting in the cab of his truck. Apple was already there, shaking a little but clearly okay. She fanned herself with her notebook. “A lot of excitement back there,” she said.

  “Most definitely,” he agreed. He picked up the HAM radio and let Max know about their situation, and to have someone come pick up the JR unit that he had shot. After he hung up the hand mic, Apple was looking at him.

  “Hey, I wanted to thank you for covering for that kiss. I was caught up in the moment and wasn’t even thinking about Speedy’s relationship with you,” Apple said.